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Literature Text
I had my hands inside your mouth.
Static filling friction.
Overly fond gazes pull south
Holding benediction.
Expectant breath on my wrist etched.
Our gravity spins, arms outstretched.
I had my hands inside your mouth
To hide trembling thoughts.
So consecrated heat falls south,
Attaining prior plots.
Sensations, sharp longing allayed,
The glow of warm smolders pervade,
I had my hands inside your mouth,
Pressed palms against your walls.
Lingering caresses drift south
Compellingly; time stalls.
Arching, wrenching, the world glides by,
Purging weak, wet sways of your sigh,
Static filling friction.
Overly fond gazes pull south
Holding benediction.
Expectant breath on my wrist etched.
Our gravity spins, arms outstretched.
Expectant breath,This nexus, kinesthesia sketched.
Expectant breath,
I had my hands inside your mouth
To hide trembling thoughts.
So consecrated heat falls south,
Attaining prior plots.
Sensations, sharp longing allayed,
The glow of warm smolders pervade,
Sensations sharp,Satisfying covenants made.
Sensations sharp.
I had my hands inside your mouth,
Pressed palms against your walls.
Lingering caresses drift south
Compellingly; time stalls.
Arching, wrenching, the world glides by,
Purging weak, wet sways of your sigh,
Arching, wrenching,Limbs and bones haphazardly lie.
Arching, wrenching.
Literature
Nocte
Hiding from the beast,
From tree to tree,
Running in the dark,
I tell myself such things,
Slow- so it won't find you,
Breath.
These fires have scorched far and wide,
Leaving the scent of my former cinders to linger in my head,
Like some bad bender,
Warped memories encircling grey,
The ground is made of shattered glass,
Broken dreams.
No lilies remain,
To any kingdom I run,
In mirrors of liquid glass,
Surrealist battles are won,
And like fear,
The spider crawled from my mouth.
They are sedating everything,
Brush pixilated,
Focus changing,
Leaving me to run in the dark,
Caught in the eye of the storm,
Hiding in the calm.
Literature
On the cusp of dawn
There are yellow daisies,
Two pairs of glasses,
And a watch abandoned in the dark.
There are socks strewn across the floor,
Jeans, a belt, a bra.
I am curled like a comma
Next to your heated skin,
Listening to you breathing in,
And out--
Rhythmic like the tides.
The stars have faded.
The morning light may soon trickle in,
but for a silent, suspended moment--
It's just you and me
On the cusp of dawn
Literature
#4
This never happens to me, so sorry that I'm confused.
Usually when I say, "I love you," shouldn't you say it, too?
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This is a Trijan Refrain for #ProjectDFC's February Form Fiesta. If anything is off don't hesitate to comment.
© 2012 - 2024 goddess-of-ravens
Comments12
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I'm sorry for how long it has taken me to critique this piece. I have been technologically handicapped for a while and then I did write a critique and it didn't load. I hope this one does.
Vision: This piece is extremely visual and it allows the reader an easy access to both the mindset of the writer and the illusory place that you are trying to portray. I found this really wonderful and I loved how you continued to emphasise certain parts of the picture also. It was strong and intriguing. However for some constructive criticism 'Ovely fond gazes pull south' seemed to break the flow and detach the reader just slightly from the flow of this piece. The words themselves felt like they were just placed there in substitution of something else.
Originality: Lust, love and sensuality are not new themes but were expertly worked into this piece. Individualoty wise, this is a topic you seem to like to use. You use it with great skill and prowess but do so from a very abstract way of thinking. It's not necessarily about the sexual nature of things, but the baring of a person and the vulnerability that entails. I like that you used your own twists on a common theme and element of life. Well done.
Technique: There were places within the poem where I felt it was stilited and the flow was cut minutely. 'Purging weak, wet sways of your sigh, .The rushing tide that this poem could have been was lost a little. Don't get me wrong, this was a brilliantly crafted piece, but I must critique so I am. As I marked each piece based on language, emotion, imagery, and technique; yours was the best by far. With the restrictions of this form, I think you may need to loosen up a bit. Feel the rhythm of the form as it thrums within. That way, the words will just flow through you without the stilted blocks.
Impact: This poem was powerful and very hypnotic, because of both your skill and this form's nature. It hits home and lures the reader in. Again, the impact could have been helped with a bit more flow here and there but it was still extremely brilliant.
Overall, this piece deserves many accolades including the 1st place title for this form. It was brilliantly woven and showed abstract thinking, a great grasp of language and an interestingly sardonic humour. I loved it.
Vision: This piece is extremely visual and it allows the reader an easy access to both the mindset of the writer and the illusory place that you are trying to portray. I found this really wonderful and I loved how you continued to emphasise certain parts of the picture also. It was strong and intriguing. However for some constructive criticism 'Ovely fond gazes pull south' seemed to break the flow and detach the reader just slightly from the flow of this piece. The words themselves felt like they were just placed there in substitution of something else.
Originality: Lust, love and sensuality are not new themes but were expertly worked into this piece. Individualoty wise, this is a topic you seem to like to use. You use it with great skill and prowess but do so from a very abstract way of thinking. It's not necessarily about the sexual nature of things, but the baring of a person and the vulnerability that entails. I like that you used your own twists on a common theme and element of life. Well done.
Technique: There were places within the poem where I felt it was stilited and the flow was cut minutely. 'Purging weak, wet sways of your sigh, .The rushing tide that this poem could have been was lost a little. Don't get me wrong, this was a brilliantly crafted piece, but I must critique so I am. As I marked each piece based on language, emotion, imagery, and technique; yours was the best by far. With the restrictions of this form, I think you may need to loosen up a bit. Feel the rhythm of the form as it thrums within. That way, the words will just flow through you without the stilted blocks.
Impact: This poem was powerful and very hypnotic, because of both your skill and this form's nature. It hits home and lures the reader in. Again, the impact could have been helped with a bit more flow here and there but it was still extremely brilliant.
Overall, this piece deserves many accolades including the 1st place title for this form. It was brilliantly woven and showed abstract thinking, a great grasp of language and an interestingly sardonic humour. I loved it.